Recommended Reading
We frequently say in NLP "One size doesn't fit all." Books that are helpful to some may not be helpful to others.
However, since we are frequently asked to recommend reading material, these suggestions are provided as a starting place
to understand sexual addiction and its extensive effects on an addict and his/her family. You each will have to decide
what may be useful to your particular situation. A 
before the name of a book indicates this is a recommended starting
point; a 
indicates it is written from a Christian perspective.
Books are grouped into four general categories and listed alphabetically by title within each group. Quoted passages in the descriptions below are from Amazon.com or the jacket or back page material from the book itself.
- Addiction and Recovery
- Recovery for Spouses
- Growth for Women - not specifically related to addiction
- Recovery for Couples
The Bible is an ongoing resource for meditation, comfort and wisdom; it is the Word of God! If you don't already have your favorite Bible, we suggest you find a translation that you like (you can compare them online at web sites like Crosswalk.com or BibleGateway.com) and use it liberally in your own recovery.
Addiction and Recovery
Addicted to Love by Stephen Arterburn
The author provides a helpful and insightful overview of the problems of sex, love and relationship addiction. Addicted to Love also outlines practical steps toward recovery.
Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald G. May
Experienced in dealing with the chemically dependent, Gerald May focuses in this book on the spiritual aspects of addiction. He emphasizes how "addiction represents a doomed attempt to assert complete control over our lives," as he compassionately leads toward hope and healing.
Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave by Edward T. Welsh
This book views addictions as "A worship disorder." "Will we worship our own desires or will we worship the true God?"
If we're willing to follow Jesus, the author says that we have "immense hope: hope in God's forgiving grace, hope in God's
love that is faithful even when we are not, and hope that God can give power so that we are no longer mastered by the addiction."
Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus by
Russell Willingham
This book gives hope for dealing with the patterns of sexual addiction through Jesus' forgiveness and healing. "Willingham deals with such issues as: what all addicts have in common,
the hunt of the malnourished heart, where to find the courage to face our dark side, wrestling with shame and grace,
the healing effect of radical honesty."
Broken Windows of the Soul Arnold R. Fleagle and Donald A. Lichi
This book reveals the destructive nature of infidelity, sexual perversion and pornography and its effect on the culture and the church.
Unless the cracks are quickly repaired, more "broken windows of the soul" are soon to follow.
Each chapter includes questions for individual or group study.
CyberSex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? by Jennifer Schneider and Robert Weiss
This book addresses the increasing problem of compulsive online sexual behavior. "Sharing stories of addicts and their loved ones,
this definitive yet compassionate portrait of cybersex addiction offers realistic recovery strategies for anyone experiencing
the devastating impact of this addiction on intimacy, family relationships, career, health, and self-respect."
Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery by Patrick Carnes
This book takes readers through the first seven steps of Patrick Carnes' thirty-task model of recovery. It includes helpful exercises and works well with Twelve Step recovery programs.
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (updated Faithful and True) by Mark R. Laaser
Sexual addiction brings heartbreak and despair to those it entangles. "Sensitive to the shame of sexual addiction without minimizing its sinfulness,
Dr. Mark Laaser traces the roots of the problem, discusses its patterns and impact, and
maps out a biblical approach to self-control and sexual integrity."
The Last Addiction by Sharon Hersh
This book discusses our longing for intimacy. It explores how to break free of our compulsions. It is a book about falling
down and getting up again, about realizing that we need more than ourselves to be saved.
Lonely All the Time by Ralph Earle
The authors describe the many forms of obsessive sexual compulsions.
They discuss family dynamics, recovery tips, and guidelines for choosing a therapist or support group.
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes
Sexual compulsion can unravel our lives. "Out of the Shadows is the premier work on this disorder, written by a pioneer in its treatment.
With practical wisdom and spiritual clarity, it points the way out of the shadows of sexual compulsion and back into the light and fullness of life.
This is an 'easy-to-read' introduction to sex addiction and it also contains a section written for spouses."
Pure Desire by Ted Roberts
Here is hope for establishing healthy personal boundaries with proven, practical applications to claim Christ's healing power and presence,
perhaps for the first time. The time is now to begin walking in victory and helping others to do the same.
Learn how to tackle this issue with confidence, clarity, and biblical perspective.
Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes
Sexual anorexia is an extreme fear of sexual intimacy and obsessive avoidance of sex.
The author demonstrates how sexual anorexia and its parallel disorder, sexual addiction and compulsivity,
often arise from a background of childhood sexual trauma, neglect, and other forms of abuse.
He explains key issues which must be addressed and resolved for recovery to proceed.
Total Sex Addiction Recovery by Dorothy Hayden
This book discusses sexual addiction and its many forms of treatment. It includes practical strategies
and therapy tools for sufferers of sexual addiction. "Though written for clinicians, the blend of academic
and real-life case studies throughout each chapter make it appropriate for clients and families as well."
Worthy of Her Trust by Jason Martinkus and Stephen Arterburn
In this book, the authors describe how a marriage can be saved after revelations of sexual addiction.
They provide exercises and counseling tools that can help your marriage begin again.
The book also includes a section from Jason's wife, Shelley, that can be helpful to both husband and wife.
Recovery for Spouses
An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
Laurie Hall tells her personal story, revealing pornography's subversive side and offering comfort,
encouragement, insight, and a plan of action to women whose husbands are addicted.
It explains how and why pornography is harmful, as well as the negative effects of masturbation.
She details the way she dealt with her emotions and feelings, keeping her eyes on Jesus Christ through all of it.
The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes
"Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them.
All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is
an exploitation of trust or power." Patrick Carnes shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred.
He then provides steps to safely disentangle yourself from these relationships.
Bold Love by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III
(We suggest reading the book Boundaries before reading this one.)
"We've come to view love as being "nice," yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional
acceptance." Learn about forgiveness, maturity, seeing people through Jesus' eyes, and how to make an impact on others.
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things
for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not." This book teaches about physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries. It will impact all areas of your life.
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"Learn when to say yes and when to say no -- to your spouse and to others -- to make the most of your marriage. Only when a husband
and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another."
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
"Is someone else's problem your problem? If you try to force others to change, try to
fix other people's problems, are afraid/uncomfortable with saying "no" to anyone, or find it very
difficult to ask for help for ourselves, you may find yourself in this book." This book has stories and exercises to help you learn the path to freedom, hope, and healing.
Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner [You might also learn from Dance of Intimacy or Dance of Connection.]
Women are often taught to silence or deny anger, leading to feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. We can learn
to identify the source of our anger, and, by changing our response to those triggers (the "dance" we do)
create lasting change.
From Betrayal Trauma to Healing & Joy: Workbook for Partners of Sexual Addicts by Marsha Means
This workbook guides women through insights into their dysfunctional relationships, grief and healing. Using journaling as a
therapeutic technique, along with trauma-based content, women can gain new strengths for their own healing.
It is appropriate for both individual or small group studies.
From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom
A Biblical perspective on the development of and recovery from codependency. "Nancy Groom deals with the question of codependency
in a non-technical manner, dealing with such questions as: What does healthy intimacy with God and others look like? What does
Scripture say about
self-sufficiency and autonomy? How do you gain the right perspective on self-worth? and What are the benefits - and costs - of true
change?"
The Healing Choice: How to Move Beyond Betrayal by Susan Allen and Brenda Stoeker
"Amid the devastation that follows a spouse's sexual disloyalty, you need to know that you are not alone. ...
The Healing Choice reveals hope-filled stories to offer step-by-step advice for rediscovering intimacy with God and finding the
support you need to move toward genuine spiritual and emotional restoration."
Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson
Written from firsthand experience, this amazingly open book offers hope and healing for women who have been hurt by their husbands'
sexual addiction. Meg uses her own story, along with other examples and Scripture, to help women cope and find their way out of
the darkness of their husbands' sexual compulsion. Newer editions include an appendix addressing effects of sexual addiction on children in the home.
Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer
Drawing from her experience both as a marriage and family therapist and a woman who personally experienced the devastation of sexual betrayal, Dr. Keffer walks women through the pain and toward recovery. She explains how the trauma of betrayal affects our minds, bodies, spirits, and sexuality and helps women understand the realities of sexual addiction. And she shows women how to practice self-care, develop healthy boundaries, protect themselves from abuse or manipulation, and find freedom from the burden of shame and guilt.
Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars by Marsha Means
This is one of the best introductory books written for wives of sex addicts.
Beginning with the devastating disclosure or discovery, the wife of a sex addict must deal with
her emotions, grieve her losses, and identify her own part in the addictive dance. This book is
an excellent guide for women who seek recovery and healing.
Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson
"Dr. James Dobson's “tough love” principles have proven to be uniquely valuable and effective. Unlike most approaches to marriage crisis, the strategy
in this groundbreaking classic does not require the willing cooperation of both spouses."
Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stefanie Carnes
Are you asking yourself whether to stay or go, how to use boundaries, what to tell the kids?
Stefanie Carnes has been there, done that, and offers this comprehensive guide to understanding
how to move forward whether or not the marriage survives.
Partners Recovery Guide: 100 Empowering Exercises by Doug Weiss
"This is by far the most practical book for partners of sex addicts. The book comes from over fifteen years of successfully
working with partners of sex addicts. This is like therapy in a box for women who want to walk through the residual of being in a
relationship with a sex addict."
Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser
"If you have been devastated by your husband's sexual betrayal - whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction -
you need to know you don't have to live as a victim. …The pain endured from sexual betrayal can break your heart, but it does not
need to break your life."
Surviving Betrayal: Hope and Help for Women Whose Partners Have Been Unfaithful by Alice May
365 daily meditations. The author "shares her experience and strength and that of other women on how to find healthy outlets for rage,
survive the inevitable rough spots, regain trust in others, and allow truth to heal the pain.
She helps women empower themselves to live their lives with grace, dignity, and calm."
Topics are listed in a helpful Index so you can also go directly to pages that focus on where you are right now.
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder
"This book sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both partners.
With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims of adultery, the perpetrators, and those
who seek to help hurting couples."
When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vicki Tiede
"[The author] gently guides women toward God and away from despair. Through daily readings and questions on six important topics: hope, surrender, trust, identity, brokenness, and forgiveness,
you will grow in healing and hope. Allowing God to meet your greatest needs is a long and learned process,
but he promises to help you every step of the way. Questions and daily readings are suitable for both individuals and small groups."
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal
by Barbara Steffens, Ph. D., LPCC, and Marsha Means, MA
This book "shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted.
They receive little empathy for their pain, which means they suffer alone, often shocked and isolated by the trauma. …
Chapters end with "On a Personal Note" questions and propose new paths that lead from trauma to empowerment, health, and hope."
Growth for women (not specifically related to addiction)
Deeper by Debbie Alsdorf
"We often believe things about ourselves that do not line up with God's truth. We think our worth is based on performance or possessions,
that we have to be perfect to be loved, or that we're too ordinary to be used by God. Using compelling narrative and Scripture,
this book helps women transform their lives by trusting in the reality of God's love. Instead of striving for perfection and worth,
readers can rest in the truth that they are his."
Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World by Lucille Zimmerman
Women increasingly find themselves pulled in many directions, find themselves meeting the needs of others, ignoring the need to nurture themselves. This book gives women permission to put themselves on "the list."
You're Already Amazing: Embracing Who You Are, Becoming All God Created You to Be by Holley Gerth
"Women feel enormous pressure to be perfect. To have the perfect body, to be a perfect woman, to have the perfect career, and to have the
perfect attitude. All the time. Like a heart-to-heart talk over coffee, reading this joy-filled book encourages women to forget the lies
and expectations the world feeds them, instead believing that God made them for a purpose and that he loves them right now, at this moment,
and always."
Recovery for Couples
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
"If you express love in a way your spouse doesn't understand, he or she won't realize you've expressed your love at all. ...
In this book you will find a couple's guide to help you work as a team." This is an excellent book for spouses to read
together since there is no finger-pointing and no "right" answer. It explores ways individuals feel loved and how to communicate
this to our spouses.
Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson
Emotionally Focused Therapy is presented to the general public for the first time.
It focuses on the emotional connection of every relationship by de-escalating conflict, creating a safe emotional connection,
and strengthening bonds between partners. Couples will learn how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love.
Also see holdmetightonline.com.
Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley
"From first attraction to lifelong commitment, Gary's proven techniques and practical advice show you how to pursue and keep the love you want,
and how to energize your relationship with enduring, passion-filled love."
Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel
The Farrels use humor to help you gain biblical wisdom, solid insight, and understanding to help your relationships flourish.
"While a man tends to deal with one problem or purpose at a time (moving from waffle square to waffle square), a woman's thoughts
generally flow together (like spaghetti noodles). Once you discover how your spouse processes feelings and thoughts, you're on your way
to a happy and healthy relationship!"
Sex, Lies and Forgiveness by Jennifer Schneider and Burt Schneider
"This book is based on surveys of many men and women who are putting back together their relationship or marriage in the aftermath of sex addiction problems.
This classic is now updated and expanded, with new material on cybersex addiction and on how to best handle disclosure
of the compulsive sexual behavior to partner and children."
(list updated August 2023)