Recommended Reading
We frequently say in NLP "One size doesn't fit all." Books that are helpful to some may not be helpful to others.
However, since we are frequently asked to recommend reading material, these suggestions are provided as a starting place
to understand sexual addiction and its extensive effects on an addict and his/her family. You each will have to decide
what may be useful to your particular situation. A 
before the name of a book indicates this is a recommended starting
point; a 
indicates it is written from a Christian perspective.
Books are grouped into four general categories and listed alphabetically by title within each group.
- Addiction and Recovery
- Recovery for Spouses
- Growth for Women - not specifically related to addiction
- Recovery for Couples
The Bible is an ongoing resource for meditation, comfort and wisdom; it is the Word of God! If you don't already have your favorite Bible, we suggest you find a translation that you like (you can compare them online at web sites like Crosswalk.com or BibleGateway.com) and use it liberally in your own recovery.
If you are considering purchasing any of these books (or any other items) through Amazon, you can help NLP by
using Amazon Smile. In this program, Amazon contributes a small percentage of your purchases to NLP. (These do not have to be book purchases - almost anything you buy from Amazon qualifies for Smile benefits.)
You must specifically sign up with Amazon Smile and
specify that you want your earnings to go to NLP. You can accomplish this by entering Amazon through the link on the right.
Addiction and Recovery
Addicted to Love by Stephen Arterburn
"Stephen Arterburn examines what this addiction looks like, who it afflicts and what you can do if you suspect that your spouse, friend, or family member may be suffering from it. With compassion and wisdom,
Arterburn points the way to psychological and spiritual healing." In addition to providing a helpful and insightful overview
of the problems of sex, love and relationship addiction, Addicted to Love outlines practical steps toward recovery.
Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald G. May
"In this inspiring book, Gerald May describes the processes of attachment that lead to addiction and examines the relationship between addiction and spiritual awareness.
Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist working with the chemically dependent, May emphasizes how addiction represents a doomed
attempt to assert complete control over our lives. Addiction and Grace is a compassionate and wise treatment of this important topic, offering
a critical yet hopeful guide to a place of freedom based on contemplative spirituality."
Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave by Edward T. Welsh
This book views addictions as "A worship disorder." "Will we worship our own desires or will we worship the true God?" Can we not escape our addictions?
If we're willing to follow Jesus, the author says that we have "immense hope: hope in God's forgiving grace, hope in God's
love that is faithful even when we are not, and hope that God can give power so that we are no longer mastered by the addiction."
Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus by
Russell Willingham
"The essentials [of breaking the pattern of sexual addiction] are spelled out in practical steps that help people begin to break free.
Willingham deals with such issues as: what all addicts have in common, the hunt of the malnourished heart, where to find the courage
to face our dark side, wrestling with shame and grace, the healing effect of radical honesty." His message is "Yes! There is hope.
Jesus offers forgiveness and healing."
Broken Windows of the Soul Arnold R. Fleagle and Donald A. Lichi
This book reveals the destructive nature of infidelity, sexual perversion and pornography and its effect on the culture and the
church. Unless the cracks are quickly repaired, more "broken windows of the soul" are soon to follow. Each chapter includes
questions for individual or group study.
CyberSex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? by Jennifer Schneider and Robert Weiss
"CyberSex Exposed breaks through secrets, deception and isolation to candidly address the emerging problem of compulsive online
sexual behavior. Sharing stories of addicts and their loved ones, this definitive yet compassionate portrait of cybersex addiction
offers realistic recovery strategies for anyone experiencing the devastating impact of this addiction on intimacy,
family relationships, career, health, and self-respect."
Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery by Patrick Carnes
In this study guide, the author guides readers through a series of reflections and exercises that pierce denial and light the
path to healing from sex addiction. Used by thousands of therapists with their clients, this text is based on the thirty-task model
of recovery from addiction that forms the basis of Carnes's work. It takes readers through the first seven of those tasks, including
specific performables that are built in to the exercises. The model also supports Twelve Step recovery programs.
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (updated Faithful and True) by Mark R. Laaser
As devastating as any drug habit, it brings heartbreak and despair to those it entangles. This book offers a path that leads beyond
compulsive thoughts and behaviors to healing and transformation. Sensitive to the shame of sexual addiction without minimizing its
sinfulness, Dr. Mark Laaser traces the roots of the problem, discusses its patterns and impact, and maps out a biblical approach
to self-control and sexual integrity. Whether you know someone with a sexual addiction or struggle yourself, this book points the way to understanding, wholeness, and holiness.
The Last Addiction by Sharon Hersh
This book explores why we are prone to addiction - to make one thing in our lives more central than it should be - and how we can break
free of our compulsions. This is not a book of self-help answers or how-to steps. It is a book about falling down and
getting up again, about realizing that we need more than ourselves to be saved. It invites you to see your own story more clearly
as you better understand your longing for intimacy. It invites you to love boldly and receive love in return. It invites you to the
freedom of redemption.
Lonely All the Time by Ralph Earle
This excellent, jargon-free volume stands out for its clarity and comprehensiveness. The authors show that obsessive sexual
compulsions can take many forms: empty affairs, frequent visits to prostitutes, phone sex, child molesting, etc. Through the
euphoric high of sex, the sex addict may gain proof of adequacy, a sense of control or temporary relief from feelings of
worthlessness. Besides illustrating family dynamics through case histories, this self-help guide features a "Family History
Questionnaire," tips for recovering sex addicts and guidelines on choosing a support group or therapist.
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes
Sex is at the core of our identities. And when it becomes a compulsion, it can unravel our lives.
Out of the Shadows is the premier work on this disorder, written by a pioneer in its treatment. With practical
wisdom and spiritual clarity, it points the way out of the shadows of sexual compulsion and back into the light and fullness of life.
This is an "easy-to-read" introduction to sex addiction and it also contains a section written for spouses.
Pure Desire by Ted Roberts
Here is hope for establishing healthy personal boundaries with proven, practical applications to claim Christ's healing power and
presence, perhaps for the first time. The time is now to begin walking in victory and helping others to do the same. Learn how
to tackle this issue with confidence, clarity and biblical perspective.
Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes
A first-time examination of sexual anorexia, an extreme fear of sexual intimacy and obsessive avoidance of sex, by the acknowledged
leader in the treatment of compulsive sexual behavior and recovery. The author begins by defining sexual anorexia and demonstrating
how it and its parallel disorder, sexual addiction and compulsivity, often arise from a background of childhood sexual trauma,
neglect, and other forms of abuse. Carnes explores the numerous dimensions of sexual health, examining key issues which must be
addressed and resolved for recovery to proceed.
Total Sex Addiction Recovery by Dorothy Hayden
This book sheds new light on sexual addiction and its many forms of treatment. It is a comprehensive guide that adds practical
strategies and therapy tools for how to address sufferers from sexual addiction. Though written for clinicians, the blend of
academic and real-life case studies throughout each chapter make it appropriate for clients and families as well
Recovery for Spouses
An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
Laurie Hall's story reveals pornography's subversive side and offers comfort, encouragement, insight, and a plan of action to women whose husbands are addicted. This book can cause fear in many newcomers as she describes how her husband went into very deep, serious, life threatening addiction. However, the book as a whole is truly marvelous for explaining sexual addiction, the reasons behind pornography, how and why it's harmful, as well as the negative effects of masturbation. Perhaps the best part of this book is the way she dealt with her emotions and
feelings, keeping her eyes on Jesus Christ through all of it.
The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes
"Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power. In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these
relationships. This is a book you will turn to again and again for inspiration and insight.
Bold Love by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III
(We suggest reading the book Boundaries before reading this one.)
We've come to view love as being "nice," yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional
acceptance. Rather, it is disruptive, courageous, and socially unacceptable. Far from helping you get along with others, this book
introduces the outlandish possibility of making a significant, life-changing impact on family, friends, coworkers - even your enemies.
Learn more about forgiveness, maturity, and seeing others through Jesus' eyes.
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things
for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our
lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom
to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful,
manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for
our Creator.
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Learn when to say yes and when to say no -- to your spouse and to others -- to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband
and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another.
Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good
marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Is someone else's problem your problem? If you try to force others to change, try to
fix other people's problems, are afraid/uncomfortable with saying "no" to anyone, or find it very
difficult to ask for help for ourselves, you may find yourself in this book. With instructive life stories, personal reflections,
exercises, and self-tests, this book offers a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of codependency -
charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness.
Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner [You might also learn from Dance of Intimacy or Dance of Connection.]
Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel - and certainly our
anger is no exception. While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely,
or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches
women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.
From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom
A Biblical perspective on the development of and recovery from codependency. "Nancy Groom deals with the question of codependency
in a non-technical manner, dealing with such questions as: What does healthy intimacy with God and others look like? What does
Scripture say about
self-sufficiency and autonomy? How do you gain the right perspective on self-worth? and What are the benefits - and costs - of true
change?"
The Healing Choice: How to Move Beyond Betrayal by Susan Allen and Brenda Stoeker
Amid the devastation that follows a spouse's sexual disloyalty, you need to know that you are not alone. ...
The Healing Choice reveals hope-filled stories to offer step-by-step advice for rediscovering intimacy with God and finding the
support you need to move toward genuine spiritual and emotional restoration.
Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson
Written from firsthand experience, this amazingly open book offers hope and healing for women who have been hurt by their husband's
sexual addiction. Meg uses her own story, along with other examples and Scripture, to help women cope and find their way out of
the darkness of their husbands' sexual compulsion.
Journey to Healing & Joy: Workbook for Partners of Sexual Addicts by Marsha Means
Using a trauma-model approach, this book provides a healing pathway women can follow, either individually or in a support group.
With a balance of educational content and penetrating questions, women review what has happened in their relationship and process
it as they journal their answers to the workbooks self-reflective questions. They also learn important new skills and gain new
strengths that equip them for the challenges they face, whether their relationship heals, or comes to an end.
Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars by Marsha Means
This is one of the best introductory books written for wives of sex addicts. Any woman whose life has been shattered by her husband's
secrets will find courage and strength in the pages of this helpful book. Consider it your instruction manual to putting the pieces
of your life back together.
Beginning with the devastating disclosure or discovery, the wife of a sex addict must deal with her emotions, grieve her losses, and
identify her own part in the addictive dance. This book is an excellent guide for women who seek recovery and healing.
Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson
"This book squarely addresses the often overlooked problem of disrespect by carefully demonstrating that at the core of most marital
conflicts lies a vicious kind of indifference that can sabotage a relationship."
Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes
Anyone who has discovered their loved one, the one person that they are supposed to trust completely, has been cheating on them
will want to read this book. Readers have an opportunity to explore whether the person they are in a relationship with is simply
behaving badly or truly suffers from a disease called sex addiction. Knowing the difference and knowing what to do about it can be
transformational.
Partners Recovery Guide: 100 Empowering Exercises by Doug Weiss
"This is by far the most practical book for partners of sex addicts. The book comes from over fifteen years of successfully
working with partners of sex addicts. This is like therapy in a box for women who want to walk through the residual of being in a
relationship with a sex addict."
Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser
If you have been devastated by your husband's sexual betrayal - whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction -
you need to know you don't have to live as a victim. Even if a spouse will not participate in a program for healing, a woman
who has been sexually betrayed can change her own life in powerful and permanent ways. The pain endured from sexual betrayal can
break your heart, but it does not need to break your life.
Surviving Betrayal: Hope and Help for Women Whose Partners Have Been Unfaithful by Alice May
365 daily meditations. "The thing that I most like about this book is it is for all of us ...married, divorced, single, engaged, etc."
This book can either be used as a daily meditation reading or a reference book as specific topics are listed in the back of the
book along with page references.
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder
This book sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both partners.
With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims of adultery, the perpetrators, and those
who seek to help hurting couples.
When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vicki Tiede
"When your husband's addiction to pornography leaves you shattered, betrayed, and alone, where do you turn? Who do you turn to?
Vicki Tiede, writing from personal experience, gently guides women toward God and away from despair. Through daily readings and
questions on six important topics: hope, surrender, trust, identity, brokenness, and forgiveness, you will grow in healing and hope.
Allowing God to meet your greatest needs is a long and learned process, but he promises to help you every step of the way. Questions
and daily readings are suitable for both individuals and small groups."
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal
by Barbara Steffens, Ph. D., LPCC, and Marsha Means, MA
This book shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are
sexually addicted. They receive little empathy for their pain, which means they suffer alone, often shocked and isolated by the
trauma. The book examines the post-traumatic stress symptoms of partners, and provides insights, strategies, and critical steps
to recognize, deal with, and heal partners of sexually addicted relationships.
Growth for women (not specifically related to addiction)
Deeper by Debbie Alsdorf
We often believe things about ourselves that do not line up with God's truth. We think our worth is based on performance or possessions,
that we have to be perfect to be loved, or that we're too ordinary to be used by God. Using compelling narrative and Scripture, this book
helps women transform their lives by trusting in the reality of God's love. Instead of striving for perfection and worth, readers can rest
in the truth that they are his.
Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World by Lucille Zimmerman
Women increasingly find themselves pulled in many directions, striving to balance the needs of others with the need to nurture themselves.
This book helps women understand the need to put themselves on "the list."
You're Already Amazing: Embracing Who You Are, Becoming All God Created You to Be by Holley Gerth
"Women feel enormous pressure to be perfect. To have the perfect body, to be a perfect woman, to have the perfect career, and to have the
perfect attitude. All the time. Like a heart-to-heart talk over coffee, reading this joy-filled book encourages women to forget the lies
and expectations the world feeds them, instead believing that God made them for a purpose and that he loves them right now, at this moment,
and always."
Recovery for Couples
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
"If you express love in a way your spouse doesn't understand, he or she won't realize you've expressed your love at all. . . In this book you will
find a couple's guide to help you work as a team. Before you know it, you'll learn to speak and understand the unique languages of love and
effectively express your love as well as feel truly loved in return." This is an excellent book for spouses to read together since there is
no finger-pointing and no "right" answer. It explores ways individuals feel loved and how to communicate this to our spouses.
Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson
Dr Sue Johnson presents her highly effective therapy model to the general public for the first time. The therapy program focuses on the
emotional connection of every relationship by de-escalating conflict, creating a safe emotional connection, and strengthening bonds
between partners. Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice and practical exercises, couples will learn how to nurture
their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love. This couples' workbook is suitable when both parties are invested in recovery.
Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley
"From first attraction to lifelong commitment, Gary's proven techniques and practical advice show you how to pursue and keep the love you want,
and how to energize your relationship with enduring, passion-filled love."
Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel
The Farrels help you find the humor in yourself as you gain biblical wisdom, solid insight, and workable skills to help your relationships flourish.
They explain that a man is like a waffle (each element of his life is in a separate box) and a woman is like spaghetti (everything in her life
touches everything else) and how this difference impacts our daily lives. End-of-chapter questions and exercises make this unique and fun
look at the different ways men and women regard life a terrific tool for not only marriage, but also for a reader's relationships at work, at home,
at church, and with friends.
Sex, Lies and Forgiveness by Jennifer Schneider and Burt Schneider
"An honest, compassionate, inside look at the lives of real couples successfully restructuring their relationships in recovery from sexual
addiction -- how they did it and how it can be done."
(list updated May 2016)